my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize