i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
