were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
cat food counts as protein by the way
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
