help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
