I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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