Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
