So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
