i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
