my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
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She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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