i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
