Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
