I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
