One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
