i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
