Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
