No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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