When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
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i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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