wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
