is your mom at the bar?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
