Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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