omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
