I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Michael Bay diarrhea
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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