oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
