I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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