i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
