Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
