the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
