Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
