hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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