At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
