I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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