Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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