just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
