The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
