I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
