take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
