Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
