I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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