I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
