i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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