when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think people are normalizing furries
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
