True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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