I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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