Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
