it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
