evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
