When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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