I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
