Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
