My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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