the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
