How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
