I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
