I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
