my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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