i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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