dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
